Cruising the Holy Land - A limited edition t-shirt
The first shirt in our "Buttfucking: An Historical Overview" series is set in the Fatherland of Western homophobia and sex-negativity; the Holyland.When we think of men wearing dresses and eye makeup today we mostly think "Drag Queen", right? But, back in the BC even the butchest of manly men wore fetching frocks, and eye makeup was not uncommon on the dudes either (at least according to the movie version of Jesus Christ Superstar and various Masterpiece Theater epics). So how much man-on-man action was there? There's no way to know for absolute sure - at least until we perfect that time machine - but you can bet your bottom dollar that there was sodomy aplenty.
Horny men cruise. Horny men in authoritarian, patriarchal cultures - where access to women tends to be tightly controlled - are (ironically) more likely to turn to homosex to satisfy that urgent need to squirt. So, whether at the local bathhouse or a private, gents-only party, the guys were getting off together, as we see in this artist's conception of the lead-up to a steamy, cross-cultural Holyland orgy, including some classic Rough Trade soldiers, getting ready to lift their skirts for some hot, satisfying fucking.
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Albrecht Dürer - The Men’s Bath - An unlimited edition shirt.
Click here to purchase.From our Great Cocksuckers in Art History series comes this beautiful tribute to the pleasure men have always taken in cruising the bathhouse for some dick. Even in 15th Century Germany, the horny sodomites looking to drop a load headed for the tubs. Albrecht Dürer is generally acknowledged to be one of the greatest artists in Western art history, but his cock-sucking and butt-fucking skills too often go unremarked when he is discussed by art historians.
This beautiful woodcut is certainly one of most blatant pre-20th-Century tributes to homoerotic desire I've ever seen - there's nothing subtle about it. Here's a link to an enjoyably zany blog post:
"SEX IN THE NUREMBERG BATHHOUSE"
about the print by an independent art historian who lays it all out there for you; explaining who each man in the image probably is (it's thought that the flute player is probably Dürer), and wondering how the hell he got away with slipping this delicious slab of homo-smut into the Western canon.
Be sure to click on the picture and look at the larger version - it is so rich in detail and, wow - Albrecht really knew his way around a woodcut - it's just gorgeous. It's also pretty hilarious - note the subtle placement of the water-spout, with the handle shaped like a cock.
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Disco Prehistory - A limited edition t-shirt
Long before the first Black Party or the invention of the Gay Bar, men found ways to dance together. I suppose it could be argued that ships were in some ways proto-Gay-Bars and that sailing from port to port was an early form of the Circuit Party, but lets leave these important topics to the historians and focus instead on this wonderful postcard.
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There's an old saying about the pastimes of British sailors, dating back to the 1800s:
“Ashore it’s wine, women and song; aboard it’s rum, bum and concertina.”
Even the imperialism of the British Empire had it's sweet, adorable, homo side, as we see in this postcard from 1907. These nice guys didn't really want to be tools of the oppressors - all they wanted to do was dress up in cute outfits and have an all-male dance party, and, of course, to enjoy those traditional sailorly pastimes: Rum, Buggery and the Lash, as celebrated in this classic song:
The captain had a first mate;
He loved him like a brother,
And every night by the pale moonlight
They cornholed one another.
The skipper came upon the deck;
His prick was like a mast-pole --
He grabbed the first mate by the neck
And fucked him in the ass-hole.
Here's the back of the postcard - it isn't on the shirt:
And, for no good reason at all - here's that Muppets/Sex Pistols sea shantie "Friggin' In The Riggin'"
Thanks to Rich Wilson for the postcard. You can find some of Rich's amazing collection of Homo-historical artifacts at outhistory.org
Make Love Not War - A limited edition t-shirt
The second shirt in our "Buttfucking: An Historical Overview" series is another Holyland scene. These starcrossed lovers from two different worlds were thrown together by chance, or - perhaps? - by the Gods?F "Fuck this stupid risking our lives for power-hungry plutocrats bullshit" said Gluteus Maximus "lets desert together and run away to some island paradise where they'll never find us. We can start a bed and breakfast and raise show dogs! We'll have to ditch the soldier-drag if we don't want to get caught, but before we do that I absolutely MUST give you a blowjob right this minute because you look SO HOT in that uniform."
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Undermine Western Civilization? Get Gay Married!- A limited edition t-shirt
Why didn't somebody tell me this sooner?Wait a minute. You mean all I have to do to destroy heterosexual monogamy AND Undermine Western Civilization is get Gay-Married? I just heard some crazed, spittle-flecked sociopaths with perfect hair saying so on Fox News, so it's got to be true, right?
My queer elders always told me that we don't need to lower ourselves to the level of the hets by aping their bizzare cultural norms around relationships, but, you know, as long as I don't have to register a silver pattern I don't see any harm in getting married. If hanging out with people I love, making some heart-felt vows, and eating some delicious cake can strike a mighty, queer blow against monogamy and the kind of Western civilization that Fox News represents? Come on, my fellow homos - lets all get married!
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Make Out Not War - An unlimited edition t-shirt
Put down that nasty old gun and give me some tongue, soldier...It's one of the biggest "WTF, human beings?" phenomena that, for countless millenia, some men who really just want a cuddle and a smooch with another guy have sublimated those sweet, positive urges into... warfare? (there's also sports, but that's pretty much ritualized warfare anyway).
The postage stamp from the USSR that this image comes from is, sadly, not a Soviet salute to Homo Love. These totally 100% str8 dudes are just REALLY happy to see each other after another disgusting spasm of carnage and warfare, OK?
Join Nocturnal Editions in celebrating the mighty, mighty power of the man-on-man makeout session over the tragic human tendency towards mass murder and mayhem.
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